It’s funny looking through my old posts I came across this entry that I wrote. Now, 2 years later, I am still experiencing the same struggles.
“As my life flips from
full time worker and plenty of free time
to full time mom, wife, and hairstylist
I feel overwhelmed and lost.
Used to when I wanted something all I had to do to achieve it was work really hard placing all my time and efforts into whatever it was I wanted; my relationships, dance, hair, yoga, friends.
I never understood the phrase
‘when you have kids your time is not your own anymore.’
Well I am realizing exactly what parents meant when they said that. All of the things I want to do require extra time. Extra time that I don’t have. It’s like I have plenty of time when Valentine takes naps during the day, but she has to be in her own room in her crib to take a nap. I have plenty of time when she goes to bed at night, but I want to spend that time with David. I could wake up before her, but I can’t get into a routine because of David’s work. A lot of this could be interpreted as excuses or laziness, but I’m not trying to make excuses I’m trying to figure out all of these new emotions that are overwhelming to me.
I want to be a better mom.
I want to be a better wife.
I want to dance again.
I want to be better at hair.
I want to become a yoga instructor, but before that develop a solid foundation in my own yoga practice.
I want to learn how to do eyelash extensions.
I want to attend marriage community groups at church.
I want to learn how to do facials.
This entry began focusing on my lack of time, but is now turning into my feelings of self worth…
I look at the list above and think how silly I am. Do I not realize that I’m the luckiest girl in the world. I get to live my life’s dream of staying home with my kids. How do I find purpose and self worth while staying home with my daughter. In this Bible study I began when Valentine was just born the other women talked about this feeling. That Satan would come and try and make me feel like my choice to stay home makes me feel like less of a person than the working women. How can I be okay with not making a monetary contribution to my family. Maybe the fact that one of the clients was talking about how stay at home moms annoy her because they do all kinds of extra things for their kids.
This is left kind of open ended, but I wanted to let all of you know that you aren’t the only ones who feel like this (if you do feel like this).”