Right now I can’t sleep.
I need to be in bed, asleep, and rested for tomorrow but there is too much running through my mind.
I don’t know if it’s my ‘irrationally emotional’ time or that my little tiny baby just turned 5 but I am a little emotional at the thought of how big my kids are.
I wish the days were cut in half and there were double the amount of days, or that I had more energy. I stay home with my kids but I feel like I never see them. I go to sleep with good intentions and wake up grouchy. When I finally get out of bed I immediately start my chores instead of sitting with my babes. Having play dates and saying ‘go play with your friends,’ going to the playground and saying ‘go play,’ putting them down for naps or bedtime quickly so that I can go be alone.
I sound like I am having a pitty party for myself. In reality, I know I am a good mom. We do a ton of fun stuff and my kids feel loved. I know I am not alone in feeling like I could be doing more with/for my kids.
I think about my kids when they are asleep and thank God for every piece of who they are, the good and the bad. While I am laying there I am wondering why it is is so hard to keep my patience day in and day out. Then when they wake up, those very traits that I am thankful for I am now rolling my eyes at.
I am struggling with the fact that I can’t give Valor as much attention as I gave Valentine at this age. That he is adventurous and strong willed. I fight him on everything instead of being proud that he is going to live out of the box. As a person who grew up totally in the box I can’t wait to see where his drive takes him.
Valentine follows the rules and is a little mommy. She cleans up when I ask her, she helps Valor when he needs it, she reassures him when he is hurt or scared. She is a little me with a lot more patience. I expect so much out of her that it scares me.
I want to be present. I don’t want to have regrets. I want to love on my kids and keep reminding myself that they are only this tiny for a while.