The Struggles of a S@HM!

by 1 Comment

It’s funny looking through my old posts I came across this entry that I wrote. Now, 2 years later, I am still experiencing the same struggles.

“As my life flips from 
full time worker and plenty of free time 
to full time mom, wife, and hairstylist

I feel overwhelmed and lost.

Used to when I wanted something all I had to do to achieve it was work really hard placing all my time and efforts into whatever it was I wanted; my relationships, dance, hair, yoga, friends.

I never understood the phrase 
‘when you have kids your time is not your own anymore.’

Well I am realizing exactly what parents meant when they said that. All of the things I want to do require extra time. Extra time that I don’t have. It’s like I have plenty of time when Valentine takes naps during the day, but she has to be in her own room in her crib to take a nap. I have plenty of time when she goes to bed at night, but I want to spend that time with David. I could wake up before her, but I can’t get into a routine because of David’s work. A lot of this could be interpreted as excuses or laziness, but I’m not trying to make excuses I’m trying to figure out all of these new emotions that are overwhelming to me.

I want to be a better mom.
I want to be a better wife.
I want to dance again.
I want to be better at hair.
I want to become a yoga instructor, but before that develop a solid foundation in my own yoga practice.
I want to learn how to do eyelash extensions.
I want to attend marriage community groups at church.
I want to learn how to do facials.

This entry began focusing on my lack of time, but is now turning into my feelings of self worth…
I look at the list above and think how silly I am. Do I not realize that I’m the luckiest girl in the world. I get to live my life’s dream of staying home with my kids. How do I find purpose and self worth while staying home with my daughter. In this Bible study I began when Valentine was just born the other women talked about this feeling. That Satan would come and try and make me feel like my choice to stay home makes me feel like less of a person than the working women. How can I be okay with not making a monetary contribution to my family. Maybe the fact that one of the clients was talking about how stay at home moms annoy her because they do all kinds of extra things for their kids.

This is left kind of open ended, but I wanted to let all of you know that you aren’t the only ones who feel like this (if you do feel like this).”

“All kids want is to be loved.”

by 2 Comments

The sermon at church tonight on parenting was great. A few things that stuck out to me were:

1) Lead by example- If you are kind, humble, seeking God, respectful, say thank you, speak to them in sentences — that is what they will do
2) Stay Connected- Our kids are different from us. We may like to play soccer where they might like to lay in bed with you and read a book. Learn your kids personality and figure out ways to stay connected and carry on conversations with your kids.
3) Be the Expert- Don’t freak out when your kids ask you questions about anything. Respond with “Thank you for asking me…..”
4) Let them fail
5) Celebrate the efforts not just the achievements

At the end of his sermon “Lead Me” by Sanctus Real was sung. Here are the lyrics:

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can’t
Don’t leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you’re willing to fight
That I’m still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone.”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They’re just children from the outside
I’m working hard, I tell myself they’ll be fine
They’re independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can’t
Don’t leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you’re willing to fight
That I’m still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone.”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I am called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won’t you lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can’t
Don’t want to leave them hungry for love
Chasing dreams that I could give up

I’ll show them I’m willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, ’cause I can’t do this alone

Father, lead me, ’cause I can’t do this alone

This song is written from a man’s perspective, but I still loved and felt convicted about a few things in this song.
1) I love that I do feel like David leads our family. I know it’s a huge weight on his shoulders, but I look to him to answer our toughest family decisions and he takes the time to become informed on whatever it is and we talk about it. As far as the kids, when he is away with work he takes care of business, but the minute he walks in the door it’s like an on switch and he is there ready to do puzzles, read books or feed Valor. And he stays on until they are tucked away in their beds. It’s funny, and if you are my friend you know I have complained about this; David gets really into playing with the kids, so when I say put the kids to bed at 7:30 it’s often 9 because he gets caught up in them. I have to remember they are only this little once.

2) Applying these lyrics to my life,  I feel convicted when the writer talks about the children – I look at Valentine like she is so independent. She plays and dances by herself while I sit there on my phone or facebook or whatever — instead of engaging with her. I know that I don’t want to be the remote control, and I know that she feels very loved, and taken care of, but I feel like sometimes I could do a better job of focusing ON HER and just her. (I say this in the context of Valentine because she is older, but this could also be applied to Valor when he is crawling around on the floor)

So this is my prayer: 
So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I am called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won’t you lead me?
To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can’t
Don’t want to leave them hungry for love
Chasing dreams that I could give up
I’ll show them I’m willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, ’cause I can’t do this alone
Father, lead me, ’cause I can’t do this alone